I looked my past in the eye and truly wondered how I could have ever thought that he would be my future. I felt awkward, like I wanted to jump out of my skin. Though I had to recognize that if I hadn’t made some of the mistakes I’ve made, then I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now. I wouldn’t be as wary of the signs of not being treated the way I want. I wouldn’t know what things are important to me. These intense tornadoes that I walk away from—though at times ridiculous, embarrassing and uncomfortable—have taught me so much.
Revelations are sometimes so loud that they’re ear-piercing, and sometimes they’re so quiet that they’re heartbreaking.
More and more, I think that one of the qualities I value most is consistency. And I think that consistency is also the thing that I respect most about a couple, whether they can work on their problems. Being able to count on one another, no matter what, being honest and open with one another all the time, is what it takes to make it. It’s always going to be a bit of a struggle to determine how much of yourself you get to keep in a relationship. We meet each other, we fall in love. There are our passions, our idiosyncrasies, our traits and quirks. And then, somewhere along the line, those very things may be getting in the way. How do you find that balance? I think, in the end, you can’t try to water down or change that person. You try to find a balance. You try to make it all work. And if it doesn’t, then you pack up your suitcase full of lessons and experiences and you move along. And that’s okay. Sometimes a particular relationship is something we need to go through in order to make changes that are necessary in our own lives.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m still a romantic. I believe with my heart and soul that you can meet someone who encompasses everything you want, who can actually be the sexiest person and your best friend. Somebody who will laugh with you; who you want to talk about anything and everything with, or are comfortable just being silent with. The two of you become this beautiful island that is so sacred. I don’t buy into the Cinderella theory that you just have to sit around and wait for your perfect prince to come and rescue you. No! That doesn’t appeal to me. I want to know that you’re a screwed-up person, that you’re going to figure yourself out and on the way you find room for love in your life. That, to me, is real.
I still have faith that one night, I’ll find myself standing on the grass, and it’ll be raining. I will be with the person I love, and I’ll know that I’m at the very point I’ve been dreaming of getting to…that I finally got there.