Work in Progress

Curling up with a good book and really delving into it has been one of my greatest pleasures in the universe, ever since I was a child. Those of us who are addicted to reading know just how wonderful it feels to lose yourself into a whole new world. We also know exactly what Gustave Flaubert was trying to say when he exclaimed, “Read in order to live.” And don’t we all want to live and not just exist?

My most recent read was recommended to me by my mother. It is a book called A Thousand Splendid Suns.

In 2006, Khaled Hosseini, author of The Kite Runner — which has sold 8 million copies in 34 countries — received the Humanitarian Award from the U.N. Refugee Agency, and was named a goodwill envoy for that agency. As a native of Afghanistan, a country with one of the world’s largest refugee populations, Hosseini said he planned to “use his access to the media to give voice to victims of humanitarian crises and raise public awareness about matters relating to refugees.” With the publication of this one, his second novel, A Thousand Splendid Suns, Hosseini revisits Afghanistan for a compelling story that gives voice to the agonies and hopes of another group of innocents caught up in a war. This time, Hosseini tells of the experiences of the thousands of silent burqa-clad women of Afghanistan

Told through the alternating voices of two women, the story spans the turbulent period from the 1970s to post-9/11. The multigenerational story is set mainly in the city of Kabul, Hosseini’s birthplace. Afghanistan and its culture are as integral to the story as the relationship between the two women, Mariam and Laila, and their abusive husband, Rasheed.

This novel’s readers will also gain a better understanding of the effects of what Hosseini calls the “cultural vandalism” of the Taliban, which shattered Afghanistan’s arts and culture, and the devastating impacts of Shariah law on women’s lives.

A Thousand Splendid Suns is the painful and, at times violent, yet ultimately hopeful story of two women’s inner lives. Hosseini’s bewitching narrative captures the intimate details of life in a world where it’s a struggle to survive, skillfully inserting this human story into the larger backdrop of recent history.

If this book had been a thousand more pages, I would have continued to read them.

I find that in general, the most wonderful thing that reading offers is a peep into another world. When you pick up a book and allow yourself to be lost in it, it’s like you have transcended your present situation. This temporary escape from our routine life is of great significance. Reading offers us a chance to see the world from someone else’s eyes, thus broadening our horizons and opening our minds to new possibilities.

I tend to worry a lot, I always have. I worry about what’s going to happen or what’s not going to happen. I worry about what people will think or are thinking, what they will say, what I should do or should not do. I worry about everybody and just about everything in my life. My stomach is often in knots about this or that. My grandmother used to always tell me that if I didn’t have something to worry about, I’d be worrying because there was nothing to worry about. She also used to say that “worrying casts a large shadow for a small thing.” She knew, because she was a worrier herself. And while I know that worrying doesn’t get you anywhere, it really hasn’t stopped me and I’m pretty sure that I come by it honestly. I realize that most of the things that I worry about, I don’t have any control over….so staying awake at night distressed with anxiety is really serving no purpose at all-but still, I often find it hard to calm my nerves.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. There’s no script to follow, no way things are “supposed” to unfold. Life just happens and for the most part, things usually end up being ok. This is what I tried to tell myself as I hysterically drove home from work today in a fit of anxiety and emotion with Arcade Fire blaring from my speakers and tears streaming down my face. My mother’s soothing voice was on the other end of the telephone telling me to calm down and take deep breaths.

Over the last year, I think I’ve grown a lot as a person. I’ve certainly figured a lot of things out. To be quite honest, it’s been a whirlwind. The relationship between myself and the person who I had always thought of as my true love, my soul mate, completely dissolved. I was forced to refocus. I had to admit that what I thought I wanted at one time, was not really the right thing for me at all. I moved out on my own to the neighbourhood that I wanted to live in, I started a new career in an industry that I am passionate about. What I have figured out is that at this moment in time, I have every right to be the most important person in my life. I can not look to anybody else to “complete” me or be my every happiness personified. I have to look out for myself and I have to fulfill my own destiny. I can’t ride on the coat tails of somebody else’s dreams. I have to go after what I want and make it happen. I deserve to have all my needs and wishes and dreams actualized as much as anybody else. It took me a long time to see that. This is not to say that I don’t still have days like today where I lose my grip and feel like I’m spiralling…inevitably there are moments when I feel overwhelmed. My improvement is in being able to pull myself together and get back on track much more efficiently than before.

People come into our lives and influence us in many ways. Some of these people will stick around a lifetime, others will make only brief appearances. Either way, these key individuals help shape who we become. I’ve felt what it is to be with somebody who appreciates me like I am, somebody who thinks I’m a beautiful person no matter what I think of myself. I’m pretty sure that at least to some degree, I will always feel not so sure of myself and my abilities, and I will always be trying to work harder. But I now recognize the importance of being able to function as a human being and not be dependant on praise and external adulation. There are things that we all have to do and go through. It is in having experiences of all kinds that we truly live. I have been so fortunate in my life so far to have been touched by so many dynamic individuals. These people are my soul mates. I am so blown away by authenticity. I love to be surprised by people who are themselves. For the first time, I feel like I am really myself.

Matthew Good shared a personal comment on his site today and this quote really struck me; he wrote,

“Popularity, looks, social status – these are little more than transient elements in our lives. It is the pillars that remain to support our foundations, imperfections and all, that matter most.”

So on days like today when I get down and I lose control, or I find myself worrying about trivial things, I try to remind myself what is really important. I am so blessed to have such a strong support system. I could not be more thankful to have those pillars to support my foundation, no matter what.

Is it strange that I stand in front of the mirror, criticizing every imperfection, analysing every inch? Sometimes I think that if I study myself enough, maybe I’ll become more comfortable with what I see; but it seems to do the exact opposite. I need to escape this. I really do understand though, especially lately, the importance of stepping outside of myself, of really looking at the world with wide eyes. I cried in my car yesterday, listening to Joni Mitchell. Looking out the window as I drove through the Lower East side of Vancouver, I could see a man who appeared to be having the most fulfilling conversation. His eyes were wide and entranced, his hands soaring and dipping as he spoke. Laughter was pouring out of his mouth, from deep, deep down. His whole body shook. He was alone; conversing with his alter ego perhaps. We are often so much in our own worlds, sometimes it frightens me. How are we supposed to achieve peace, how are we supposed to accept the faults in others, how are we supposed to do anything if we can’t even take a second to step outside of ourselves? We are all caught in our own skin and sometimes it feels like there is no escape. Blocks down the road, I saw another man. He was frightening in terms of his physical appearance, hair shrouding his face. I could not see what he looked like beneath it, young or old. Eyes sunken in I imagined, dark circles and sallow skin. His body was contorted, like some sort of dark café dancer, moving involuntarily, hands curled in towards himself. His hair swung, his arms flew and his legs gave out.

Tonight it was girl-talk and umbrella drinks on a Kits patio. We got to talking (as we often do) about love and sex, relationships and dating. As always, some interesting thoughts and stories were shared.

If you spend enough time on the dating treadmill, you’re sure to be run ragged. You’re running fast and getting nowhere. So often we get wrapped up in all kinds of drama and games, which can lead to crossed signals and mixed messages. After a while, you’re never taken by surprise; except maybe by your own ego. Mark Twain wrote,“There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it.” There was a book written a while back, inspired by an episode of Sex & The City, which presented the idea that perhaps it takes women too long to realize when “he’s just not that into you.” The book’s basic contention is that all heterosexual men love to pursue women, and highly prize “catching them.” If they like a woman, they will overtly declare their interest. If a man sends mixed or positive signals, but waits for the woman to ask him out first, then he is either lazy or not very interested. In my opinion though, sometimes it’s as much a case of “she’s just not that into him either.” Let’s be honest: very often, when we date people who are all wrong for us, it’s our vanity and ego at work rather than our heart. Are we so caught up in finding the fairytale romance, or feeling wanted that we are willing to settle for something that isn’t genuine?

Here’s a scenario: You meet a guy, you’re not interested or you’re completely oblivious. Either way, you don’t give him the time of day. Instead of taking a hike, this guy takes a street fighter approach to dating. Although at first you completely brush him off, he is persistent. He chases you, really pours on the charm. He won’t take no for an answer. And truth be told, flattery gets him everywhere. He is never your first choice; you know he is not “the one.” You could really take him or leave him. But slowly, over time, he wears you down. Along the way, you really start to care about him. At times, maybe you even think that if he could just be a little more like this or a little less like that, things could really be serious. Do you love him? Maybe you continue to hold onto an ideal that you have of his “potential.” There are definitely some good times. But of course he doesn’t change, and neither does the pattern. You wonder what happened to the guy you thought he would become. We all want to believe that time truly changes people, but in reality, we all fundamentally stay the same. And besides, why should he really have to change for you anyway? Perhaps a cycle continues; things fizzle between you for a while and then he decides to chase you again. You fall for the charm, the lines, the lies, into the trap…and so the pattern continues. Why do you put up with this?

Eventually, something changes. You start to see him for who he really is (and isn’t). You jump off the train before it goes off the tracks. Was it that for a time, you wanted to be wanted? Did you just not want to be alone? Did your ego become interested in the validation? Even when you didn’t want him, you wanted him to want you. Does this make you a horrible person? And did you ever really love him? Or were you just addicted to the cycle? Sometimes it was fun and rewarding. Other times, it was just a warm body to heat up the cold stretch of empty nights. And sometimes it was just empty, period. Having these kind of relationships is enough to mess a girl up. We start to question whether or not true love is even out there. I believe it is. Will it be some gift-wrapped box that brings eternal happiness? No, it probably won’t…but do you know what? That’s okay. It will be better because it will be real. You’ve made the first move and stepped off the dismal treadmill. My guess is that you’re probably just a stroll away from finding what you’re really looking for.

I’m finally at a point where I can say that I’m pretty sure I know what I want. I want to trust without thinking. I want to be generous with my affection and patience. I want to love somebody unconditionally. And this is how I want to be loved. Perhaps for a time I was afraid to love like this again because my heart had been stomped on. Two life paths come together and then diverge. I’ve realized that life is peaks and valleys, ups and downs. Plato said, “love is a grave mental disease.” He may very well be right, but I still think it’s worth it. I believe true love to be something that we all need to experience, because whatever the outcome, no love can cross our path without having some significant impact. I still have faith in that true, simple love. You have to make peace with yourself first. The key is to find the harmony in what you have. True love will find you in the end.